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For purposes of plausible deniability, I usually leave the logging OFF on my messenger client. This Friday night was one of those few instances when I wish that I had left the logging turned on, because the exchange I had with ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
gwyneth1362's 16-year-old son was PRICELESS. I shall try and recreate it for you.
quackersbob: You still there?
Me: Mostly. I'm straining the leaves out of my sekanjubin.
quackersbob: I'm making Mom's birthday cake now. I'm going with the pound cake.
Me: You're just starting now? It's like... 1:00 in the morning.
quackersbob: It's supposed to be a surprise.
Me: I see.
quackersbob: Are baking powder and baking soda the same thing?
Me: NO.
quackersbob: What's the difference?
Me: Baking soda comes in a box and comes from Arm and Hammer. Baking powder comes in a can with an Indian head on it. I think Calumet makes it.
quackersbob: Can I substitute baking soda for baking powder? I don't have any baking powder.
Me: ... How much baking powder does your recipe call for?
quackersbob: 1 tsp.
Me: Do you have cream of tartar?
quackersbob: No.
Me: Buttermilk?
quackersbob: No
Me: Sour cream?
quackersbob: I have vanilla cake mix in a box, but if you REALLY love someone you make their cake from scratch.
Me: You might be hosed. You need something acidic to activate the baking soda, or there will be no bubbles in your batter and your cake will be flat and crunchy.
quackersbob: I'll get the boxed stuff.
Me: WAIT. Do you have yogurt?
quackersbob: ... YES.
Me: You can substitute 1/2 yogurt and 1/4 tsp baking soda for 1 tsp of baking powder, but then we have to reduce the liquid in the cake somewhere else. Add less milk.
quackersbob: There's no milk in this recipe.
Me: Water?
quackersbob: No.
Me: What makes it moist?
quackersbob: Eggs and butter.
Me: ...*is frantically googling "yogurt pound cake"* Does your recipe look like this?
1 c. (2 sticks) butter, softened
3 c. firmly packed light brown sugar
6 eggs
2 tsp. vanilla
3 c. sifted all purpose flour
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. soda
1 c. (8 oz.) plain yogurt
quackersbob: Only 4 eggs.
Me: OK, well use the one I just gave you. I think it substitutes yogurt for butter, and is thus, in theory, lower in fat. (I was far less eloquent, and probably used the word "like" 4-5 times in that sentence, but you groc my meaning.)
quackersbob: OK
***There is a brief discussion about the order in which ingredients should be mixed and I go on about my task of prepping for Pennsic and cleaning for the party, thinking the chrisis has been averted when:***
quackersbob: Is "Sugar in the Raw" the same thing as brown sugar?
Me: NO.
quackersbob: I don't have brown sugar.
Me: Don't use Sugar in the Raw. Your cake will be mostly not sweet with crunchy spots. The sugar crystals are too big... *again googling appropriate substitutions* ... Do you have molasses?
quackersbob: No.
Me: Honey? Table syrup? Just so you know, this isn't "pound cake" anymore. It is officially "Adventure Cake."
quackersbob: It's "Surprise Cake." We have syrup, I think.
Me: OK... So it's "STEALTH Adventure Cake." Use 1 cup white sugar and 1 tbsp syrup for 1 cup of brown sugar.
quackersbob: OK.
***Another silence whilequackersbob: continues on about his business.***
quackersbob: ... Liz?
Me: If you tell me you don't have eggs, I'm going to cry.
quackersbob: I was going to substitute whole wheat flour for white flour, but so far you have said NO to all my ideas, so I thought maybe I should ask first.
Me: Ah... yeah, that should be fine. This cake will be good for you. (Maybe I said something about the cake making people poop. Or maybe I just thought about saying it. I can't remember whether or not my filter had gone to bed at that point.)
I walkedquackersbob through greasing and flouring cake pans and since the recipe had grown to nearly double it's original size, AND we weren't sure how things were gonna taste, I made the recommendation that he bake the cake in 2 separate pans... That way he could taste one before serving, but not have to serve his Mom a birthday cake with a bite taken out of it. I waited up until WELL AFTER 2:00 in the morning because the suspense of the Stealth Adventure Cake was killing me. I was invested and I HAD to know if we had created the ultimate cardboard healthnut cake, or a yummy treat. At last, quackersbob tasted the cake and pronounced it DELICIOUS and me a GENIUS before taking himself off to bed.
The whole time I was helpingquackersbob, you see, I was having flashbacks to when I was a kid and my completely unrepentant research chemist father would make WILD chemically accurate substitutions in his pancakes without paying a whole hell of a lot of attention to flavor. He would do the equations and EVERYTHING to make sure that the vinegar and baking soda he was substituting for baking powder would produce the same amount of gas as the original amount of baking powder called for in the recipe... And EVERY TIME he would completely FAIL to take into account what Vinegar Pancakes would taste like... (Like a horrible collision between a salad and breakfast...) Dad's only saving grace in these scenarios was that he never made us eat his failures. We'd clean up the mess about the time Mom came into the kitchen and Dad would announce his "ACTUAL plan" of taking the family out to Denny's for breakfast. I love my Dad. He always managed to make that pronouncement sound completely innocent and genuine.
So when I was on the "birthday phone call" with my dad, I mentioned the Well Meaning Child's pile of quandaries to Dad and I could *hear* his face lighting up like a Christmas tree. "You know, in a pinch, you can use lemon juice and baking soda for baking powder... Or vinegar." I let him go on for a while before reminding him that it was SUPPOSED TO BE a pound cake and vinegar might make a pound cake taste... funny. He was delighted by my choice of yogurt as the acidic agent, but recommended sour cream or buttermilk for next time. The sugar substitutions just about sent the man over the moon. I nearly lost an eyeball trying to laugh quietly and ended the phone call with an admonishment from dad to email him and let him know how it tasted after my party on Sunday (today).
Remember that "test cake" with the bite out of it? I askedquackersbob if he would bring it to my party today. So... When you see the "Stealth Adventure Cake" on the table, you know what happened.
gwyneth1362's 16-year-old son was PRICELESS. I shall try and recreate it for you.quackersbob: You still there?Me: Mostly. I'm straining the leaves out of my sekanjubin.
quackersbob: I'm making Mom's birthday cake now. I'm going with the pound cake.Me: You're just starting now? It's like... 1:00 in the morning.
quackersbob: It's supposed to be a surprise.Me: I see.
quackersbob: Are baking powder and baking soda the same thing?Me: NO.
quackersbob: What's the difference? Me: Baking soda comes in a box and comes from Arm and Hammer. Baking powder comes in a can with an Indian head on it. I think Calumet makes it.
quackersbob: Can I substitute baking soda for baking powder? I don't have any baking powder.Me: ... How much baking powder does your recipe call for?
quackersbob: 1 tsp.Me: Do you have cream of tartar?
quackersbob: No.Me: Buttermilk?
quackersbob: NoMe: Sour cream?
quackersbob: I have vanilla cake mix in a box, but if you REALLY love someone you make their cake from scratch.Me: You might be hosed. You need something acidic to activate the baking soda, or there will be no bubbles in your batter and your cake will be flat and crunchy.
quackersbob: I'll get the boxed stuff.Me: WAIT. Do you have yogurt?
quackersbob: ... YES.Me: You can substitute 1/2 yogurt and 1/4 tsp baking soda for 1 tsp of baking powder, but then we have to reduce the liquid in the cake somewhere else. Add less milk.
quackersbob: There's no milk in this recipe.Me: Water?
quackersbob: No.Me: What makes it moist?
quackersbob: Eggs and butter.Me: ...*is frantically googling "yogurt pound cake"* Does your recipe look like this?
1 c. (2 sticks) butter, softened
3 c. firmly packed light brown sugar
6 eggs
2 tsp. vanilla
3 c. sifted all purpose flour
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. soda
1 c. (8 oz.) plain yogurt
quackersbob: Only 4 eggs.Me: OK, well use the one I just gave you. I think it substitutes yogurt for butter, and is thus, in theory, lower in fat. (I was far less eloquent, and probably used the word "like" 4-5 times in that sentence, but you groc my meaning.)
quackersbob: OK***There is a brief discussion about the order in which ingredients should be mixed and I go on about my task of prepping for Pennsic and cleaning for the party, thinking the chrisis has been averted when:***
quackersbob: Is "Sugar in the Raw" the same thing as brown sugar?Me: NO.
quackersbob: I don't have brown sugar.Me: Don't use Sugar in the Raw. Your cake will be mostly not sweet with crunchy spots. The sugar crystals are too big... *again googling appropriate substitutions* ... Do you have molasses?
quackersbob: No.Me: Honey? Table syrup? Just so you know, this isn't "pound cake" anymore. It is officially "Adventure Cake."
quackersbob: It's "Surprise Cake." We have syrup, I think.Me: OK... So it's "STEALTH Adventure Cake." Use 1 cup white sugar and 1 tbsp syrup for 1 cup of brown sugar.
quackersbob: OK.***Another silence while
quackersbob: continues on about his business.***quackersbob: ... Liz?Me: If you tell me you don't have eggs, I'm going to cry.
quackersbob: I was going to substitute whole wheat flour for white flour, but so far you have said NO to all my ideas, so I thought maybe I should ask first.Me: Ah... yeah, that should be fine. This cake will be good for you. (Maybe I said something about the cake making people poop. Or maybe I just thought about saying it. I can't remember whether or not my filter had gone to bed at that point.)
I walked
quackersbob through greasing and flouring cake pans and since the recipe had grown to nearly double it's original size, AND we weren't sure how things were gonna taste, I made the recommendation that he bake the cake in 2 separate pans... That way he could taste one before serving, but not have to serve his Mom a birthday cake with a bite taken out of it. I waited up until WELL AFTER 2:00 in the morning because the suspense of the Stealth Adventure Cake was killing me. I was invested and I HAD to know if we had created the ultimate cardboard healthnut cake, or a yummy treat. At last, quackersbob tasted the cake and pronounced it DELICIOUS and me a GENIUS before taking himself off to bed.The whole time I was helping
quackersbob, you see, I was having flashbacks to when I was a kid and my completely unrepentant research chemist father would make WILD chemically accurate substitutions in his pancakes without paying a whole hell of a lot of attention to flavor. He would do the equations and EVERYTHING to make sure that the vinegar and baking soda he was substituting for baking powder would produce the same amount of gas as the original amount of baking powder called for in the recipe... And EVERY TIME he would completely FAIL to take into account what Vinegar Pancakes would taste like... (Like a horrible collision between a salad and breakfast...) Dad's only saving grace in these scenarios was that he never made us eat his failures. We'd clean up the mess about the time Mom came into the kitchen and Dad would announce his "ACTUAL plan" of taking the family out to Denny's for breakfast. I love my Dad. He always managed to make that pronouncement sound completely innocent and genuine.So when I was on the "birthday phone call" with my dad, I mentioned the Well Meaning Child's pile of quandaries to Dad and I could *hear* his face lighting up like a Christmas tree. "You know, in a pinch, you can use lemon juice and baking soda for baking powder... Or vinegar." I let him go on for a while before reminding him that it was SUPPOSED TO BE a pound cake and vinegar might make a pound cake taste... funny. He was delighted by my choice of yogurt as the acidic agent, but recommended sour cream or buttermilk for next time. The sugar substitutions just about sent the man over the moon. I nearly lost an eyeball trying to laugh quietly and ended the phone call with an admonishment from dad to email him and let him know how it tasted after my party on Sunday (today).
Remember that "test cake" with the bite out of it? I asked
quackersbob if he would bring it to my party today. So... When you see the "Stealth Adventure Cake" on the table, you know what happened.Tags: